Kunamani

Dear Zayn #7

Dear Zayn, 

In this new phase of my life, (read: anxiety/ panic/ depression central) I’ve found that a couple of things keep me calm;

1. A fan I bought from Big Lots when our air conditioner broke

2. Scott Mill’s Daily Podcast- I don’t listen everyday, but I must always download it

3. Your candids

4. Harry’s new bun

5. Any video of Niall laughing

6. This istavid of Liam (He’s perfect when he’s not talking tbh)

7. Being 1d/af with Anna

8. Listening to Angie’s post grad adventures

9. Motivational emails from Stephanie

Dear Zayn #5

Dear Zayn, 
I think Black Jesus is one of the meanest dieties around. Like rather than easing someone into what life is all about, he chooses to just throw you into the shit storm. There is no “24 hours storm watch” with him. No, you’re in the fucking red zone with zero electricity and a fuck ton of anxiety with absolutely no access to emotional rescue. 

Dear Zayn #2

Dear Zayn, 
I’d like to tell you about my best friend Angie- but first, watch this

I met Angie in my 9th grade biology class when we were assigned to sit next to one another- but that fact is rather unimportant as we didn’t become instant bffs until much later. As a matter of fact, back then,  Angie was truly appalled by my utter lack of cool factor. (I can’t blame her though, I referred to anything and everything I liked as “Mad Pro-Skilled”). But before you go feeling sorry for me, I should tell you that I left her Quinceanera early because I really wanted to see “The Simpsons Movie”. 

The moment I believe we became Best Friends Forever occurred during a walk to a Taco Cabana during a theatre rehearsal almost a year later. Up until this point, we had never had any below the surface conversations and knew very little about one another. During this walk, however, one of us- I honestly can’t remember who- took the leap and confessed an utter annoyance with a “friend”/ acquaintance/ classmate.

And sure, Zayn, this sort of means that friendship was founded on a gossip session, but after a long time talking, and an incident with drinkable cheese, we came to realize that we were both very similar, not in terms of personality, or life ambitions, or pop culture preferences- but rather because we had both been walking similar life paths- and this was the first time I had ever had someone relate so closely to things I was experiencing. 

I’ll explain it this way- I no longer had to miss out on hanging out with friends because I didn’t have the money because Angie was on the same beer budget I was on. I no longer had to internalize the less than stellar things happening at home because Angie had dealt with a similar situation months before. I no longer had to loathe most of my classes at school because Angie was right there to scoff at and judge all of the ridiculous people who were literally the worst. And finally, I no longer had to be ashamed of the fact that I liked eating/ had the largest appetite of anyone I knew because Angie  also had a love affair with food and she not only fed me during school but also became my go to “wanna split?” person (this type of person is a rare find in life and yes, Zayn, I recognize how #blessed I am). 

Which brings me back to the “Love Actually” scene I asked you to watch before reading this. Despite how vital Angie is to my life, there are and have been to many moments in which I have gone without telling her just how much she means to me. It’s not because I take her for granted or don’t appreciate her, it’s because I’m rarely capable of summing up in words just how important she is to my life, mostly because I’d realize that without her in my life I’d be so much more of an L-squared- dweebo with an awful sense of humor and without a giant Jonas Brothers poster to say goodnight to. 

She’s the Billy Mack to my Billy Mack’s manager, the Rob Dyrdek to my “Big Black”. And the way I see it, Zayn, if ever I was made to choose between hanging out with you and the four other demon spawn and Angie, I’d like to think that I’d choose a night of Tom Hanks movies and Red Robin bottomless fries.  

Dear Zayn #1 

Dear Zayn, 

My best friend in the whole wide world Angie- I’ll tell you more about her later- gave me the idea to start this blog to start writing regularly and purposefully about everything and anything that makes me think or feel some type of way. 

It’s taken me a whole two weeks to write this first post. And it’s all due to the fact that writing is one of the things I’m most afraid of doing, and also because I was without much motivation or direction. 

Everything changed this weekend when I heard a song. I’ll explain it quickly. Unfortunately for you, I’m one of those crazy fans that really (really) enjoys One Direction fan fiction. The writing is great, and I just really (really) love how these writers have so wonderfully written about the trials and tribulations of falling deeply in love with someone.

(UGH! WHY AM I SO WEIRD?!)

With these stories, I love listening to music that heightens the mood of the stories.  Since most of the stories I read are so angst-filled, unrequited love songs just happen to fit perfectly. At first, I was just listening to a bunch of Adele’s “19” over and over, then it moved to Jake Bugg, and then I was listening to Kate Nash’s “Made of Bricks” and before I knew it I found myself hitting repeat on the same song for about 2 hours. Even more surprising to me was the fact that I felt a need to write down a sort of short movie scene as I’m an aspiring storyteller, you see. 

The song, my dear, is "Nicest Thing". I don’t think I’ve ever felt as connected to something as I do this song. Though I’m no longer in a state of pining- as I’ve done work to decolonize my thirst, and because said person and I haven’t spoken in months, (and you’ve been looking WELL fit lately)- this song just brings back a whole bunch of feelings that I thought I’d done away with. And it’s not that I’m “falling” back again, but rather that I’m getting the chance to understand what the hell it was I wanted back then.